The Things We Don't Talk About...

"Alright class," I said to a rowdy bunch of middle schoolers, "Please sit down and get to work."

Some of the kids got to work, others still chatted with their nearest classmates.

"That's enough talking," I said a little firmer this time. "It is time to get working."

After a few seconds only one student continued to stand and goof around.

I took a deep breath and said in a calm but firm voice, "Sit down now."

"WHY ARE YOU ON ME LIKE THAT?!" the student yelled, "IT'S 'CAUSE I'M BLACK ISN'T IT?!? ARE YOU RACIST OR SOMETHING?!?!"

My mind flashed back to another time and place. I saw myself walking in the market in Betroka ducking my head down as men called me, "vazaha (white foreigner)" and grabbed at my hair.  

I saw the reaction on my national friend's faces when they realized people were charging us double for groceries. 

I saw the drunken man swerve toward me and grab me as I walked up the hill with two little girls, making me fight to escape his grasp.

I saw men shoving unmentionable parts of cows in my face, and women shoving bugs in my face just to see me squirm.

I saw women teaching their children to call us "vazaha" and men dropping their children in our laps and laughing at their terrified screams. After all, we white people were going to steal their organs.

I saw the red faces and heard the sobs of my students as they related the fact that some kids threw rocks at them and pulled them off their bikes yelling, "VAZAHA!" on their ride to school that morning. I saw the looks of dread on their faces when I told them it was time to ride their bikes home. 

I saw the smiles and laughter of the Malagasy children as they taught me games, and the faces of our friends welcoming us into their home.

I saw my national friends being ridiculed by their friends for showing us around the town, welcoming us into their lives, though they knew they would be made fun of along with us.

Some treated us as special, others treated us as freaks. But everyday we knew we were different.

"No sir," I said calmly, knowing he had no idea what was going through my mind. "It's not because you are black. It is because you are the only one still standing."

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7b

I might be racist. I know I put too much weight on outward appearances. Praise the LORD that He does not. Red and yellow, black and white, we are ALL precious in His sight. 

A Look Back: January 31, 2013

 I found this archived with some old blogs that I never posted. For some reason I decided to record my experiences as I traveled from France to Madagascar last year. I don't know if you will find it as entertaining and I do, but it's kind of fun to look back at my ridiculousness. =) 

Sunday, January 31, 2013 Travel from France to Madagascar

3:15 am, alarm rings... I hit snooze.
3:20 am, I realize that today is actually happening, and I get out of bed.

3:45 am, goodbyes to the awesome family who has graciously allowed me to live in their house for 3 months. I hate mornings in general, but goodbye mornings suck even worse.

4:00 am, leave for the airport

5:30 am, check in at airport. The lady asked me for proof I'm a missionary. I panicked. Personally if you knew me the sheer fact I was in the airport with tickets to Madagascar in hand would be enough to prove I am not going of my own power. God reminds me of the important document package that is in my carry on. End panic mode.

7:00 am, our flight is delayed due to a strike in Paris.

7:10 am, sit next to an awesome girl named Evangeline who is from the States.

7:15 am, man asks me something in French... I say "oui! No! Uh, je ne sais pa!" He looks at me like I lost my mind... I smile and congratulate myself on speaking French and NOT panicking! Woot!

8:10 am, we finally leave after sitting on the runway for an hour.

9:20 am, we land in Paris, get off the plane and onto a bus. Evangeline and I have an hour and 10 minutes to make our flights. Her to Washington, me to Tana.

9:25 am, bus breaks down. Irritated guy who also needs to make a connection gets into a fight with the guy trying to fix the bus. Not actually helpful in the grand scheme of things.

9:45 am, we arrive at a terminal but have no idea which one it is or how to get to our flight. Evangeline and I ask a kind lady, our flights are boarding a couple of terminals and a passport check away. So we part ways and take off running. I am praying she made her flight and is peacefully flying home as I type.

10:15 am, I make it to my gate and check in. I go down a bunch of stairs to another bus that site there for about 15 minutes, then drives us to this plane faaaaaaar away from the real airport. Thank you Paris for not making us walk.

10:30 am, board the plane

11:30 am, still sittin on the plane. On the runway.

11:35 am, the plane moves. O think I see the Eiffel tower!
11:36 am, false alarm. Twas just a telephone pole. Dangit.

12:04 pm, goodbye Paris and goodbye dream of seeing the Eiffel tower.

12:45 pm, I feel like trying raw fish for the first time when I am stuck on a plane for another 9 hours is a probably a poor life choice. So I think i'll just stick with rice bread and cheese... Oh and the delicious eclair. Also I am fairly certain the last next to me wants my bottle of wine (yep. I said bottle. It comes with lunch). Go for it lady.

3:27 pm, note to self, next time black more motion sickness meds.

4:30 pm, over the Lybian Desert. Ooohhh we're halfway there! Oh oh! Living on a prayer! (I feel like this plane needs to be serenaded... Challenge accepted).

6:30 pm, the map says we're almost over Kampala, Uganda. I know someone there. Maybe they could just open the door and let me hop out quick. I wouldn't be too much trouble. I want off this plane! Ooo... The stewardess just passed out ice cream. OK maybe I'll stay on a bit longer....

7:00 pm, the guy next to me must have unbuttoned his pants while he was sleeping... Cause when he stood up they fell down .Maybe air France should think twice before handing out those bottles of wine...

8:32 pm, there are no movies left to watch. 

8:33 pm, just kidding, I'll watch Pitch Perfect.

9:25 pm, note to Self: Don't watch singing movies on a plane full of people. I don't think the lady next to me is impressed with my singing and dancing.

10:17 pm, Dear Lady Next to Me: I'm really sorry if you don't like my singing and dancing, but if you were listening to this ending, YOU'D BE DANCING TOO!!! (But you probably wouldn't be singing because you don't speak English...)

11:00 pm, OH MY GOODNESS!!!! You know those movies where people are on a plane and then really crazy interesting things happen? Yeah well... this isn't one of those flights.

1:17am, we're approaching Madagascar... is it too late to change my mind? I don't think I can do this... God help me.

We landed around 2 am. I got off the plane and it was hot and sticky, raining a little bit. We were shuffled through lines and made to fill out some paperwork. I didn't know half the answers so I just prayed and wrote stuff down. "What will be your address?" Uhm... Somewhere in the middle of nowhere Madagascar? I wrote 8 Betroka, Madagascar. I have no idea where I got that number, but no one questioned me.

I got my bags and had to go put through customs. Directly outside of the baggage check were at least 100 people grabbing to try and "help" me with my bags. I was fighting tears, and I think that the customs guys took pity on me because they just let me pass. The Petrelli's found me and helped me with my bags. They were so sweet and helpful. I feel like I have known them forever. I am still pretty sure I can't do this, and I am not sure I really comprehend the fact that I am in Madagascar, but for now I am just going to sleep. God will give me peace and rest. He promises.

Scars

A year ago today I was traveling to Betroka for the first time.

I had been in Madagascar for a little over 2 weeks. For the first week I stayed with an amazing missionary family, the Patrelli's in the capital while I awaited the arrival of the team. Then, on the 7th, the team arrived and we started a whirlwind of activity. Getting enough money and groceries for 4 months... How do you calculate how much powdered milk you will need in that amount of time when you have never used powdered milk in your life? I still don't know... I just used the mathematical principal of "THROW AS MUCH AS YOU CAN INTO THE CART!"

We then traveled to Ranohira for language training. This part was hard for me. I missed Stacy and the kids, I didn't know what I was doing, I felt like everyone on the team knew each other and I was the outsider. I was "on the team" but I was only short term. I had no concept of what was expected of me and I was fairly certain there was no way I could do any of this. Even teaching, something I have always had a gift for, was foreign to me. How was I supposed to teach these two little girls English? What had I gotten myself into?

I quickly learned that I liked language learning, so that was a bright spot in my day. It was embarrassing to walk around fumbling through language and getting laughed at. But I LOVED it.

A few days later, the 16th I believe, we had a "day off". We went hiking in Isalo National Park. Now, those who know me know that I am not a hiker. I'm not even good at walking. It takes enough concentration to stay upright on flat ground, let alone the, you know, natural kind of ground. But off we went.

 It was beautiful.

 I mean breathtakingly beautiful.

 

But as I said earlier, I'm not exactly a hiker. I don't mind going for leisurely walks along clearly marked paths that have safety railings anytime you get somewhere potentially sketchy. 

There were no safety railings.

          Anyway.  By the time we were on our way back, I was exhausted. I was hot and sticky and struggling to keep up. "Just keep going..." I told myself, "Keep up with them Meg... Don't get too far behind!" I've always been the last one in any type of things that involves athleticism. That doesn't bother me. Making the whole group stop and wait for my slowness... THAT bothers me. So I plugged on. Slipped a few times on slippery rocks and yelled at myself (in my head) for being clumsy.

Sunk into a mud hole, laughed about it trying to be cool, all the while thinking, "I am such a moron."

And then it happened. I fell. I didn't just slip this time, I completely missed the rock I was trying to land on and fell into some more rocks and some mud. I had rolled my ankle and it felt like fire was shooting up it. There was bloodied mud all across my right ankle and knee. It was starting to trickle down my leg like lava from a volcano. My toe was all mangled and it looked like I had cut half of it off (I had been barefoot at the time because that was easier than trying to walk in shoes). Someone took my backpack for me and another person helped me up. Our team leader squirted some purified water on the cuts, trying to clear away some of the mud. There was still quite a ways to walk before we got back to camp. 

Fun Fact: I am one of the most stubborn prideful people I know.

I insisted I was fine to walk. Partially because I knew the longer I sat, the more it would ache. Better to keep moving than to think about the pain. But mostly because I was embarrassed by my clumsiness. Of course I would be the one to fall and get hurt. Of course.  We plugged on, every step a painful reminder of my stupidity. "I'm fine!" I kept insisting to anyone who asked. I tried to keep a normal pace, and a normal conversation. I would NOT show that I was in pain. We got to the place we were to stop and eat lunch, and my team helped patch me up. 

We still had a long ways to walk after lunch, at least, it seemed terribly long. Probably not more than a kilometer. I plugged on, at first trying to use my own strength. Halfway through, I realized I couldn't make it on my own power. I'm not sure when I stopped berating myself and telling myself to "suck it up", but by the time we reached the van that would take us the rest of the way out of the park I was simply praying God would help me make it. 

They were the first of the scars on my body from this trip. There are many. As I look at them now, I am not embarrassed. I don't think I am an idiot for falling. I look at them and I see my filthy pride. I see my inability to let others help me, which would come back many times throughout the year, and I suspect will come back time and again throughout my life. 

Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." 

It took time, but my wounds were bound up. Let's just say I am as slow of a healer as I am a learner. God binds up our wounds, but sometimes he leaves the scars to remind us where we have been It reminds us of our mistakes, of our hurts and of the incredible mercy and grace he offers so freely. 

I am a filthy sinner who has been made new by the Creator of the Universe. His scars offer me freedom form my scars. His wounds have paid my ransom.

There is beauty in scars.

The Knowns and the Unknowns

You know in High School when they start asking you questions like "Where are you going to be in 5 years? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What are you going to be doing with your life?"

I hate those questions. No one knows where they will be 5 or 10 years from this moment. You can guess, you can imagine, you can hope... but you can't know.

I always used to irritate the teachers when I said, "I will be following God, and going wherever he leads me." Apparently it wasn't a solid enough answer for them. But in my head, I did have a thought as to what the plan would be. I am a planner, so of course I had an idea. I knew I would be following God and doing what He wanted me to do. But I also assumed I knew that that was.

If you has asked be back then, I never, EVER in my wildest imagination would have said, "In Madagascar."

And I can guarantee that if I had said that, several people would have had a good laugh, and then probably sent me to the counselor to break the news that it was never going to happen. Even when I really was getting ready to go, I would run into people from high school and they would just stare at me. Some laughed. Heck I laughed too... I mean, who knew it would really actually happen. Who knew I would really actually be here? Certainly not me.

"'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD! "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I feel like every Christian, and even non-Christians know that verse. Let me put it this way...

Jeremiah 29:11 is to Christian Encouragement as John 3:16 is to a Salvation Message

I am not saying these verses are bad, I just have always felt like there is the entire rest of the Bible full of amazing verses that we can sometimes forget.

That said, it's this promise that I am clinging to right now. I never dreamed I would be here. Yet I am, because God has plans for me that I do not even know about yet. I am nervous, that is for sure. This is so outside of my comfort zone. Yesterday I let myself get caught up in worry, but not today. Today I am choosing to trust God's plan for my life. He has never led me astray before, and he never will.

So off I go. From now until Sunday night I will go with the team and get the things we need for the next 5ish months of our lives. Then bright and early Monday morning we head down.

Thanks for your prayers as we travel and start the next phase of all of our lives. I am so excited to watch God's plans unfold in my life, and in the lives of others... even if it is a little scary on the "unknown" side of the plan.

Survival

God has been reminding me of something lately that I wanted to share with you before I head off the blogosphere for a while.

See, as I look towards the next few months of my life, I know there will be some great days, and some not so pretty days. There will be days when I crawl under my mosquito net at the end of the day and I feel like it was a good day, and there will be days when I just cry out of sheer frustration and exhaustion.

But no matter what each day brings, I know that eventually the day will end. There are 24 hours in each day, good or bad. The sun will set on the one day and a new day will dawn in it's beauty. God's mercies are new each day, and they are sufficient for that day's troubles. 

Each day, each season, each trial will eventually come to an end. The sun will set and rise anew. I will worship His holy name in every moment, in every season, in everything.

Sing like never before, Oh my soul! I worship your holy name. 

I say goodbye, and I say hello.

No matter how long you have been in a place, goodbyes are always hard. In the last 3 months I have  come to adore these munchkins, and though the goodbye is only for a short time, it is still hard.

On the plus side, this goodbye is not perminant. Before I know it, I will have crazy pictures in of us in Madagascar, instead of France. It will be nice to have pictures without winter coats on...

The thing about goodbyes, is that they always make way for new hellos.

Hello Mr. Chameleon chilling in the avocado tree in the back yard. It's nice to meet you.

There are new sights, new sounds and new smells to take in all around me. This place is so different than anywhere I have ever been. 

There are children playing everywhere. In the streets, in vacant lots, anywhere they can chase each other and get dirty.

I will never understand a child's fascination with mud puddles... but it definitely is an interest that crosses all cultures.

 Oh and tree climbing... I think my brother tried this once on a tree with no branches... he didn't get quite as far...

They even bring their tag along little brothers and sisters out to play. 

It's really beautiful here.

Not just the landscape, but the people as well. 

I am only here in Tana for about a week more. So there are more goodbyes in my near future.

But these pictures and memories will stay with me for the rest of my life. 

Providence, not coincidence.

 I am reading Charles Spurgeon's "Faith's Checkbook" devotional, and this was January 30th entry. I read it about 4 hours before I started my journey to Madagascar. God is so amazing. Wherever you are going in life, whether around the globe or down the street, God is with you. Have no fear.

January 30

A Heavenly Escort"And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest"   (Genesis 28:15).

Do we need journeying mercies? Here are choice ones -- God's presence and preservation, In all places we need both of these, and in all places we shall have them if we go at the call of duty, and not merely according to our own fancy. Why should we look upon removal to another country as a sorrowful necessity when it is laid upon us by the divine will? In all lands the believer is equally a pilgrim and a stranger; and yet in every region the LORD is His dwelling place, even as He has been to His saints in all generations. We may miss the protection of an earthly monarch, but when God says, "I will keep thee," we are in no real danger. This is a blessed passport for a traveler and a heavenly escort for an emigrant.

Jacob had never left his father's room before; he had been a mother's boy and not an adventurer tike his brother. Yet he went abroad, and God went with him. He had little luggage and no attendants; yet no prince ever journeyed with a nobler bodyguard. Even while he slept in the open field, angels watched over him, and the LORD God spoke to him. If the LORD bids us go, let us say with our LORD Jesus, "Arise, let us go hence."

Worry

Alright, those of you know who me at ALL know that I am a worrier. I have been since I was little. I worried about everything. I don't really worry about things that are happening in the moment, but I worry more about the future and unknown things. I can worry myself to the most unrealisic scenario in the world.

Example (relevant to my life right now): I need to have all emergency numbers memorized before I leave and written in 5 different places throughout my luggage. Why? If something happens I need to be able to call someone, and if I can't get in touch with one person I will need to call another and if I am jet lagged I might forget the number so I will need to look somewhere to find the number but if my luggage is lost that will be a problem so I will put it in my carry on but what if someone steals my carry on? then I am stuck and I will be sitting on a curb somewhere in the middle of Madagascar unable to call anyone for help. I should write the numbers on my arm! But what if I get sweaty on the plane and the number rubs off and I forget the numbers and all my luggage is lost or stolen I AM GOING TO BE LOST!!!!!!

Now. That is just an example, and I am not feeling that neurotic right this moment. As I have gotten older God has been convicting me of this sin and I have been (slowly) getting a little better at it. But worry is something I REALLY struggle with. There is no magic cure for worry. Nothing that makes it magically go away and suddenly I am a worry free person. I just have to confess it and choose to trust God every minute.

That said, right now my dad is in emergency surgery having his appendix out.  And I am approximately 4000 miles away. <dislike>

Ironically though, I am not worried. Would I like to be home with my family right now? Yes of course. Would I like to give my dad a hug? More than anything. But no matter where I am, it is in God's hands. It is always in God's hands. There's a part of me that wants to worry about what might possibly happen while I am in Madagascar and unable to talk a lot, but instead I am choosing to thank God that I am here, able to keep in pretty instant contact with my family and find out what is happening. I am choosing to thank God that technology allowed me to skype with my dad and tell him I love him, even if I couldn't give him that hug.

Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It's not a suggestion. It's a command. It's not a last choice when I can't do anything else. He says DO NOT be anxious about ANYTHING! But in EVERYTHING... Pray.  

And then the beautiful promise of peace that passes understanding. Every command has a promise, and this one is awesome.

I am choosing to trust and not be anxious. I am praying for my dad and my family. I am thanking God that I am able to have the contact that I do and that He is in control of every situation. I have an amazing peace that passes understanding that is keeping me from worrying further. Thank you God.

Re-packing

About a month or two or three before I left for France, I started packing. Before that even I had lists everywhere, and piles of stuff to go. I would pack things up in a crazy rush of panic, only to realize that I actually needed my hairbrush for the next few weeks and unpack once again.

Now here I sit, ten days before heading to Madagascar, and the thought of repacking all my stuff is a thought I dread.

Some stuff never made it out of my bags. I haven't really needed my sunscreen or my mosquito net here in France.

Some stuff will not be leaving France with me.  I don't imagine I will need my snow boots too much in Madagascar.

But I have acquired some things too. I have an amazing poster from Madagascar that Marc and Stacy gave me for Christmas for my wall in my house in Betroky. Sitting next to me on the shelf is a picture frame made by some kids I adore with a picture of their beautiful faces inside. Some books, an egg timer, a measuring cup... all waiting to be packed in my suitcases. Though not everything is packed and organized, everything is pretty much ready to go. The stuff that never made it out of my suitcases is ready and waiting, some things I never intended to bring on have already been given away.

Yet, there is something that is not even close to being ready to go.

My heart.

Much like before I left for France I am excited to go, but hating to leave. My heart wants to stay here, with this family whole I love. It wants to stay and keep making friends, because it feels like after all this time I am JUST starting to make friends here.

I can't pack my heart in a suitcase and drag it behind me.

I can't leave it here while I go on.

There is really only one thing I can do, and I have to do it daily. Sometimes hourly. I must surrender it to the only One who is coming with me, and ask Him to carry it for me. To bring it along. To place it in the place He has intended since the beginning of time and let it grow there until He wants it to be moved again.

I will re-pack my suitcases, I will leave things behind, but I will trust God with my heart. He knows what He wants to do with it for the time being, and even though it hurts to leave, it will be worse to be outside the will of God.

Wherever I am, I want to be all there. For the next 10 days my heart is here, and then, hard as it will be, my heart will move to the next spot God wants it to be.

Lord, Let my heart be molded by You, and rooted in Your will alone. 

Truth is...

I have heard from several people that they appreciate how "real" I am in my blog posts. Thanks for that everyone. You are too kind. Heads up, we are about to get really real up in this place.

Truth is... I have been struggling to write a blog post for the last few days because nothing I want to write at the moment is pretty. It's too "real" for me to share.

I like to be real, but I also like my "realness", my struggles, to be wrapped up in a neat little package with a happy ending where I have learned a lesson from God and I can move on.

Truth is... life isn't always like that.

Sometimes we are in the middle of lessons, and we can't just shut ourselves off, paste a smile on our face and pretend that we aren't struggling. We can't just pretend until the lesson is learned and then magically reveal how God has worked in our lives, while people are sitting there saying "Wow, I didn't even know she was struggling with that."

So. Here I sit, revealing to you the not so pretty truth.

Truth is... I hate transition. I am leaving for Madagascar in less than 3 weeks. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.

Truth is... I hate not knowing stuff and not being good at stuff. I have zero skills that will make me of any use in Madagascar. Today I asked if you stick the chicken in a pot of boiling water, or hit it over the head with a frying pan to stun if before you cut it's head off. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.

Truth is... I pretty much failed at making rice last night. And that is what I am going to eat everyday, for almost every meal in Madagascar. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.

Truth is... I like to know how things are going to work. I like to be prepared. No matter how many questions I ask, I am not prepared and I have no idea how things are going to work out. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.

Truth is... I know God will take care of me, He always has. But I am still feeling scared, and a bit freaked out.

Truth is... Feeling isn't truth. It may be true that I am feeling freaked out, feeling scared, feeling nervous. But my feelings are not facts.

Truth is... God expects me to obey even when I am feeling like my feelings are speaking louder than His truths.

That's a really tough truth, and the truth is I am having trouble swallowing it right now. There is no pretty way to wrap this up. There are no bows or ribbons.

Lord, Help me trust in your truths, believe in your promises, and obey your commands.

Purpose

One day, maybe next year, I would really love to go to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, GA but for now I will be content to watch the sessions online. Or at least Session 7 since that is all I had time for before they were taken off the internet.

This is a quote from John Piper at the Passion 2013 Conference. 

"Our worship is the subjective echo of God's objective worth. The immensity of His worth is reflected in the intensity of your worship. We were made for the admiration of the excellence of Jesus and the greater your admiration the greater the revelation of Christ's glorification...

Admiration is the rarest and highest of pleasures. God made the world and fashioned the human soul so that Jesus would be glorified and we would be satisfied in the very same act of the soul. Namely; glad hearted admiration of Jesus. We are satisfied in the intensity of our enjoyment of Him and He is magnified and glorified in our being satisfied in Him. That's the way God made the universe. That is why admiration is so rare and why it is the greatest pleasure... The universe exists for the glorification of Jesus in the admiration of His people."

It took me a solid 20 minutes of rewinding the video to get this typed out, but it was worth it. 

What a great reminder that my sole purpose is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. There is no greater purpose, there is no greater pleasure.

Light

I love lights at night. I love walking under the stars, and seeing the lights of a city, ESPECIALLY at Christmas time. I mean I love Christmas time already but walking places and seeing things all lit up in the dark night just gets me so excited.

Last night we went walking in Annecy at night, and it was beautiful. I loved walking through the streets and just taking in all the beautiful sights. Everything looks so different at night. So wonderful. I could hardly contain myself. We went up to this church that sits high on a hill overlooking the city and the lake and I am fairly certain I have never seen something so incredibly beautiful in my life. Picture's won't do it justice, but hopefully it will give you a glimpse.

Everything looks so much brighter at night. I don't think you can fully appreciate the brilliance of light until it is surrounded by darkness.

God calls us to be lights in this dark world. It is easy to be "lit up" for Christ when we are surrounded by other bright things, other Christians. But God calls us to be lights in the darkness, which is not as easy. It takes a lot more energy. There in the darkness, His brilliance, His majesty and splendor shines through us and we become like that church high on a hill shining brilliantly, piercing the darkness and pointing heavenward to Christ.

Lord, use me to display your brilliant light in this dark world! Let me be a beacon that points only to you!

It Is Well

This morning, I awoke with these lyrics in my head.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I can only imagine it was God giving me an extra measure of grace as I got out of bed, because I surely did not want to get up this morning. 

I often find myself saying, "God I know your timing is perfect, but couldn't you hurry back?" It's good to know I am not the only one anxiously waiting Christ's return. Won't it be a wonderful day when Christ returns, our understanding is complete and we are caught up together with Him? Lord haste the day!

But I am here today. God has given me another day on earth do to his work. Whether I have one more day to do His will or a thousand tomorrows, even so, it is well with my soul.

Looking back, Looking forward...

It's weird to think that a year ago I wasn't even sure I would be going anywhere and now as I write this I am sitting in France looking at the calendar and realizing I will be flying to Madagascar in like, 30 days.

I feel like this last year of my life was all about faith. It was about stepping out and trusting God with every aspect of my life and my future. I still don't have that all together, and I don't think I ever truly will. This year however I think the focus has shifted, or maybe it's just that the area God is working in has changed.

I think this year is more about obedience than faith. I guess the two go hand in hand really. I obey God and I have faith that He has a plan.But in this case I mean obedience without question.

It means saying, "Yes God, I will follow you to the ends of the earth without needing to know the plan or the details or how everything is going to work out. I will follow wherever you lead."

That's hard for me. I like details. I know God has a plan, I know he will take care of me because He promises that, and He has never broken a promise. I have faith in His character. But I still like to know the plan.

Today I was reading Luke 9 and I wrote some things in my journal that I wanted to share with you. I hope you are challenged like I was on this New Years Day. Whether I have the whole year to follow God, or just a few days, I pray that I will be obedient and follow Christ no matter the cost.

The Cost of Following Christ

• I must die to myself daily. (Luke 9:23)
• My wants are insignificant, my desires are unimportant. I will die to myself and live to serve God and others.

• I must obey immediately. (Luke 9:59)
• There is nothing in my life that should make me pause before obeying Christ. Nothing should mean more to me, not my family, not my obligations, not my plans.

• I must not look back. (Luke 9:61-62)
•  I cannot worry about what I left behind, only trust Christ with my life, with my family and with my friends. 

Here's a final thought...
A really smart girl gave me some awesome advice before I left. 

Be Obedient, Be Beautiful. 

Physical beauty is fading and superficial, but the kind of beauty that comes from obedience and surrender to Christ... that is the real thing. There is no beauty that compares to the radiance of Christ shining through those who choose to follow and obey Him.

I will obey, at all costs.

Little girl, Big faith

 ^{Luke 2:28-38}
 
And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be.  And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.  And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”
And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God.  And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren.  For nothing will be impossible with God.” And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

I like specifics. When someone is telling me about a plan, I like to know EXACTLY what is going to happen. I like to be prepared as much a possible! So as I was reading this, some things struck me about this passage that I never really noticed before...

Mary says, "How can this be since I am a virgin?" 
And the angel says,“The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you therefore a child will be born..."


Now,  I am going to be honest here. If I was Mary, I think I would have been a little frustrated. I might have thought something like this, "That did not actually answer my question, and also, NONE OF THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I want to know HOW. Like, how exactly is this going to happen. Because, I may be young but I know how this stuff works and I mean, why me? How me? I don't understand. Give me the details Gabe! I want a step by step plan, complete with a diagram. In color. If you could send me the PDF version for future reference that would be great. Also, if you could give me a few ideas as to how to approach my fiance and parents concerning this particular miracle, that would be great because I am going to need that..." (though in the presence of an Angel I probably would not have said anything...) 

But Mary does not say that. Maybe she thought it, but somehow I doubt it. Mary was a woman of faith. Gabriel told her that nothing is impossible with God, and she didn't need to know the details. She looked at how He had provided a son for Elizabeth, all the things God had done in the past (See verses 46-55) and simply said,


“Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

This young girl has LITERALLY, the weight of the entire world dumped in her womb, and she just says, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”


Oh that I would have that same faith, for nothing is impossible with God.

Freedom

My pastor (check out his blog here) has been sending those in our church these daily advent readings from John Piper. Thus far, they have been great! But I thought today's was especially good in light of what God has been teaching me lately. I hope you are as blessed as I was!

Wednesday, December 19

CHRISTMAS IS FOR FREEDOM

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. —Hebrews 2:14–15

Jesus became man because what was needed was the death of a man who was more than man. The incarnation was God’s locking himself into death row.

Christ did not risk death. He embraced it. That is precisely why he came: not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many (Mark 10:45).

No wonder Satan tried to turn Jesus from the cross! The cross was Satan’s destruction. How did Jesus destroy him?

The “power of death” is the ability to make death fearful. The “power of death” is the power that holds men in bondage through fear of death. It is the power to keep men in sin, so that death comes as a horrid thing.

But Jesus stripped Satan of this power. He disarmed him. He molded a breastplate of righteousness for us that makes us immune to the devil’s condemnation.

By his death, Jesus wiped away all our sins. And a person without sin puts Satan out of business. His treason is aborted. His cosmic treachery is foiled. “His rage we can endure, for, lo, his doom is sure.” The cross has run him through. And he will gasp his last before long.

Christmas is for freedom. Freedom from the fear of death.

Jesus took our nature in Bethlehem, to die our death in Jerusalem, that we might be fearless in our city. Yes, fearless. Because if the biggest threat to my joy is gone, then why should I fret over the little ones? How can you say, “Well, I’m not afraid to die but I’m afraid to lose my job”? No. No. Think!

If death (I said, death—no pulse, cold, gone!)—if death is no longer a fear, we’re free, really free. Free to take any risk under the sun for Christ and for love. No more bondage to anxiety.

If the Son has set you free, you shall be free, indeed!

Struggle

DISCLAIMER: I am well aware that not everyone who reads my blog listens to the same music as me. And hey, that's totally okay. I personally think this song is beautiful, both musically and lyrically. However, if you don't like anything with drums in the background, you might just want to skip to what I write afterwards.

The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North

The verses talk about how many ways we screw up, which has been a recurring theme in my life as of late. I am so very sick of my humanity! I am sick of the many ways that I fail God everyday and it is so easy to dwell on that and live in a place for discouragement and frustration. 

But here is the reminder that I love, and needed in this song:

Hallelujah we are free to struggle,
We're not struggling to be free!
You're blood bought and makes us children
Children drop your chains and SING!


Yes, I screw up and I will struggle with my humanity for the rest of my earthly life. But I am free. I need to drop my chains and sing to the one who freed me, instead of still acting like I am in bondage.

Hallelujah, death is overcome and we are breathing.
Hallelujah, our stone hearts become flesh that's beating.
Hallelujah, chains have been undone and we are singing.
Hallelujah, the fire has begun, can you feel it?

Hallelujah! 

Do you trust me?

Do you know that part in "Aladdin" where he is standing on the magic carpet that is hovering over Jasmin's balcony holding his hand out to her and asking, "Do you trust me?" Now, if you ask me she gave in WAY too easily. As I always say, "Never trust a man on a flying carpet." but lately I feel like God is standing in this scary unknown place holding his hand out to me and saying, "Do you trust me?"

God has been asking me to do things lately that are WAY outside of my comfort zone... They are outside even the outside of my comfort zone. I was laying in bed yesterday morning hitting snooze and thinking about the things God wants me to do and I said,

"God, are you sure? You know my weaknesses, you know how much I STINK at what you are asking me to do. You know that it goes against everything that makes me, me! I seriously do not have the skills or personality or really, anything at all that would make me useful! What purpose could this possibly serve? Isn't there someone better, more qualified, more... not me?"

God doesn't have to answer me. He is God and His purposes are perfect whether I understand them or not. And frankly, I deserve to just be put in my place like Job because of my stupidity. He could have just said, "STOP QUESTIONING ME! I am God. I do what I want. Why are you being so self centered?" But he didn't.


Instead it was like God was saying ever so gently, "Megan, where is your identity found? Do you trust me? Will you follow me even if you don't understand?"

God talks significantly less than I do, but He always manages to say significantly more. It was like he was comforting me and challenging me all at the same time, and helping me realize the things I am constantly forgetting. I have always read the end of Job like God is kind of blasting Job, but I wonder now if he wasn't simply comforting and challenging Him the way He so often does to me? Anyway, this is what He reminded me.

My identity is found in Christ. I am not me, but Him in me... and He is perfect and has no weaknesses.

I am sure that there is someone out there who is FAR more qualified to do what God asks me to do, but that's not the point. It's not about me, not about what I have or do not have. It's not about what I learned in school or what my personality is. Following God has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. God doesn't require a resume. God doesn't require a certain kind of person with a certain type of skill set or anything like that. I will follow Him even though I don't understand because He is my God. All he requires is a willing obedient heart.

If you look at the Bible, you'll realize that God has a habit of calling imperfect people to do His perfect will. He gets the most glory that way, and my life's purpose is ultimately to bring Him glory. So I obey, and I let Him work miracles in me and through me. 'Cause I have nothing to offer, and that is awesome.

Awesome God

I have nothing for consequence to say. But God does. This stuff is AWESOME.

Psalm 124:1-3a, 8
1 If it had not been the Lord who was on our side—
    let Israel now say—
² if it had not been the Lord who was on our side
    when people rose up against us,
³ then they would have swallowed us up alive

⁸ Our help is in the name of the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 125: 1-2

1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion,
    which cannot be moved, but abides forever.
² As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
    so the Lord surrounds his people,
    from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 127

 1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchman stays awake in vain.
² It is in vain that you rise up early
    and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
    for he gives to his beloved sleep.

³ Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
    are the children of one's youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
    who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
    when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

I pray you are as blessed by these verses as I was today. 

 

Oh the Humanity

Are you ever just sick of your humanity? Lately, it seems like every day I become increasingly more aware of my stupid flesh, and infinitely more aware of my need for grace. I am so sick of messing stuff up and sinning against God. Even those tiny, negative thoughts that creep in every once in a while are a stench in the nostrils of God and some days it feels like I will never be free from the constant spirit v. flesh battle that goes on inside of me.

You know, I used to read stories about the Israelites and think, "Idiots, why have you forgotten all the INCREDIBLE things God has done for you? How can you turn away so quickly after He has blessed you so much! You are his chosen people!" And yet, because He saved my by grace through faith, I too am one of His chosen people.


Today when I read Psalm 106, I had a little bit of a different take on the Israelites' story. It talks all about the things the Israelites did, and the times they turned away from God and I realized something. The stories about the Israelites and their various screw ups are much less about them, and much more about the steadfast love and mercy of God. Verses 43-45 say,  

⁴³ Many times he delivered them,
    but they were rebellious in their purposes
    and were brought low through their iniquity.  
⁴⁴ Nevertheless, he looked upon their distress,
    when he heard their cry.
⁴⁵ For their sake he remembered his covenant,
    and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love.

They didn't deserve it, heck sometimes they didn't even appreciate it. But God showed them mercy anyway because of HIS character. So, why does God save us when He knows that we will still screw up? Check out verse 47;

⁴⁷ Save us, O Lord our God,
    and gather us from among the nations,
that we may give thanks to your holy name
    and glory in your praise.

He saves us so that we will give him thanks and glory. So instead of wallowing in my humanity, instead of beating myself up for being such a screw up, I will give praise and glory to God because my salvation has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with His incredible character. And that my friends, is a blessing. So,

 

⁴⁸ Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel,
    from everlasting to everlasting!
And let all the people say, “Amen!”
    Praise the Lord!