Perfectly Imperfect... Or Maybe Just Imperfect...

So I started reading Matthew today because I decided to do the "Read the Bible in a Year" thing a little backwards. I don't know if all the plans are like this, but in my Bible you read a couple of chapters of the OT then a few verses in the NT and last year it DROVE ME NUTS!!! I wasn't able to read enough to really get into it, and I hate feeling like I have to stop reading just because a schedule tells me that a particular verses is to be read the next day. So I started out this year doing the same thing and it was again irritating, hence, I am going rogue. I am going to read through the New Testament and then go back to the Old Testament. You probably didn't need to know all of that, but anyway...

I was reading the Genealogy of Jesus in Matthew and I was struck again at the five women who are mentioned. It was one of those things that I heard someone mention once and it kind of stuck in my head, but it didn't really sink in until now. Anyway, So I was reading and noticing the women mentioned, which is odd in and of itself, so I went to my handy dandy footnotes. This is the cliff notes explanation of the women mentioned (or the MacArthur footnotes version):

Tamar: A Canaanite woman who posed as a prostitute to seduce Judah
Rahab: A Gentile and prostitute
Ruth: A Moabite woman who worshiped idols
Bathsheeba (Wife of Uriah): Committed adultery with King David
Mary: Bore the stigma of being pregnant outside of marriage

There are many significant things that could be said about God's choice to place these women in the line of Jesus, but the reason it strikes me today is because I so often fall into the trap of feeling like I have to have it all together to be used by God. I grew up (and continue to learn and grow) in a church with amazing theology, so I have enough head knowledge to be able to say that that is messed up and not what the Bible teaches, but I still find myself living like that is true from time to time. God oh so subtly reminded me that He chooses who he wants, and he expects us to grow and learn through the process, but he asks us to come to him as we are and let him do the changing work in us. It's so freeing to know that He is doing a changing work in my and refining me to what he wants me to be, regardless of how tarnished I am now.

Reflections on the Faith Of Abraham

  For the last few months I have been really challenged by the life and faith of Abraham. I must admit that this stems mainly from the first and second grade Sunday School curriculum that we have in our church.  I think I can speak for everyone who teaches it when I say that the things we teach the little kids are just as applicable in our lives as teachers and they tell the stories we know by heart with a whole new perspective. Anyway, for the fall semester of lessons we took a walk through Genesis and looked at the family, faith and the providence of God (yes... I did say first and second graders...=D). The story of God's command for Abraham to sacrifice Isaac really struck a chord with me, and I have been daily challenged by Abraham's faith ever since. 

^{In Genesis 22:1-3a it says:
 "1}After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” ²He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” ³So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac."

God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his beloved son, and Abraham picked up Isaac and went. No arguing, no bargaining, no "But God..."'s. He gathered everything he needed for the sacrifice and went.
Later, in verse 7 Isaac, who is old enough to understand the rituals associated with sacrifice, asks his father where the lamb is. Abraham doesn't stumble over his words or make up a story, but rather he says with absolute certainty in verse 8, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.” So they went both of them together."Abraham's unquestioning faith in God ASTOUNDS me. I don't even have kids, but I'm not even sure I could sacrifice someone I didn't know, let alone my flesh and blood.

The verse that sums it all up for me is my "life verses", or at least the ones I claim most frequently as of late are Romans 4:20-21. They say:
 "²⁰No unbelief made him [Abraham] waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, ²¹ fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised."

When all is said and done, I pray that my life reflects that statement.  

Learning Everyday

Today, my sister gave me a gift that made me cry. See, a few years ago she went on a missions trip to South Korea and I took a big jar, decorated it and wrote "Dimes for Korea" on it along with her goal. We put spare change and and anonymous donations in it to help her raise money for her trip. Today she brought it downstairs, with money that I can only imagine she was saving, and gave it to me so that we could start collecting money for my trip to Africa. Her generosity made me cry, not only because I knew she had been saving it, but also because it made me realize that I am a terrible reciever.

What I mean is, I hate taking things from people, especially money, even if I earned it. I know that sounds weird, but I just always feel like their hard earned money could go to something better. As she gave me the jar, my first instinct was to say "Oh no Jess, I couldn't take that!" but just as I was about to open my mouth that still small voice said "Who are you to not allow Me to work in people's hearts and lives through this?" My pride could be standing in the way of allowing God to show his power, and his work in others lives.  I can honestly say that I never considered being a good receiver to be just as vital as being a good giver. I need to accept others people's gifts because ultimately they are gifts from God. Just like I view my possessions as a temporary loan from God, he also gives us gifts through other people and it is just plain prideful to not accept them.

I don't even know how much money I need to raise yet, but I do know a few things:

1) God is going to continue to humble me through this experience and teach me how to rely on His power in other people's lives to get me to Africa if it is His will.
2) I refuse to stand in the way of God's leading in other people's lives. I will say thank you and praise God for everything that comes in. He is in control, He is sovereign, and I will not let my pride hinder His amazing work!

The final thing I learned today is something that I think you can only truly understand if you are in this situation. I always heard missionaries say that they would love the financial support and they need the financial support, but the prayer support is far more important. It's not that I didn't believe them, but it didn't really sink in until now. Though I don't yet know how much I need to raise, and I don't have all the details, I ask for prayer. I cannot explain what it means to me to know that so many people have been and will continue to pray for God's leading in this, and I know with all my heart and soul that without your prayer, this whole thing will be completely fruitless. It doesn't matter if I have all the money in the world, if I do not have prayer support, this is a useless endeavor. I covet your prayers for God's leading, God's protection and God's incredible work in my life and in the lives of others.

Stepping Out In Faith

I would love to say something elaborate and profound for my first blog post that will cause everyone who reads it to look to God in awe and marvel in his Glorious splendor, but that's probably not going to happen. So instead I will tell you what is on my heart tonight and trust that God will use it in whatever way He so chooses.

I am in the process of preparing to go to Africa for a year and I just received clearance from my doctor, which, if you know me, you know is a HUGE step. Instead of rejoicing, I found myself reminded once again of the many ways I fail on a daily basis. I complain about everything (mostly cold weather today...), I have a terrible attitude sometimes and I have such little faith in God that I didn't see a way I could possibly pass my physical, just to name a few. As I sat confessing my sins to God and asking for forgiveness a loud voice in my head screamed, "YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY USELESS!!!! WHY WOULD GOD WANT TO USE YOU IN AFRICA WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THINGS RIGHT HERE?!?!?!" Unfortunately, I momentarily listened to that voice, instead of basking in the still small voice that said, "I am God. I am not useless. I can do all things and I will do whatever I choose with whomever I choose. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Me." 

 

Why is that such a foreign concept to me sometimes? When a master carpenter creates a beautiful piece of furniture do we then praise the tools? No! We praise the creator! It is not about the tools used, or even the masterpiece itself it is about the one who created it! I am a masterpiece created by God to do his work. Whether I am looked at as the creation or as the tool used to create other things (which I am both I believe), I am not the one who matters!  It is the creator who matters! 

The beauty of God's grace is that no matter how many times I fail, there is forgiveness. No matter how many ways I am not right for the job, God is perfect. My shortcomings do not matter because it isn't about me, it is about Him; His glory, His truth, His power and His kingdom. Whether I end up teaching in Africa or not, God has brought and is bringing me down this path to bring Glory to His name. I exist to bring glory to His name, imperfections and all!