Alright, those of you know who me at ALL know that I am a worrier. I have been since I was little. I worried about everything. I don't really worry about things that are happening in the moment, but I worry more about the future and unknown things. I can worry myself to the most unrealisic scenario in the world.
Example (relevant to my life right now): I need to have all emergency numbers memorized before I leave and written in 5 different places throughout my luggage. Why? If something happens I need to be able to call someone, and if I can't get in touch with one person I will need to call another and if I am jet lagged I might forget the number so I will need to look somewhere to find the number but if my luggage is lost that will be a problem so I will put it in my carry on but what if someone steals my carry on? then I am stuck and I will be sitting on a curb somewhere in the middle of Madagascar unable to call anyone for help. I should write the numbers on my arm! But what if I get sweaty on the plane and the number rubs off and I forget the numbers and all my luggage is lost or stolen I AM GOING TO BE LOST!!!!!!
Now. That is just an example, and I am not feeling that neurotic right this moment. As I have gotten older God has been convicting me of this sin and I have been (slowly) getting a little better at it. But worry is something I REALLY struggle with. There is no magic cure for worry. Nothing that makes it magically go away and suddenly I am a worry free person. I just have to confess it and choose to trust God every minute.
That said, right now my dad is in emergency surgery having his appendix out. And I am approximately 4000 miles away. <dislike>
Ironically though, I am not worried. Would I like to be home with my family right now? Yes of course. Would I like to give my dad a hug? More than anything. But no matter where I am, it is in God's hands. It is always in God's hands. There's a part of me that wants to worry about what might possibly happen while I am in Madagascar and unable to talk a lot, but instead I am choosing to thank God that I am here, able to keep in pretty instant contact with my family and find out what is happening. I am choosing to thank God that technology allowed me to skype with my dad and tell him I love him, even if I couldn't give him that hug.
Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
It's not a suggestion. It's a command. It's not a last choice when I can't do anything else. He says DO NOT be anxious about ANYTHING! But in EVERYTHING... Pray.
And then the beautiful promise of peace that passes understanding. Every command has a promise, and this one is awesome.
I am choosing to trust and not be anxious. I am praying for my dad and my family. I am thanking God that I am able to have the contact that I do and that He is in control of every situation. I have an amazing peace that passes understanding that is keeping me from worrying further. Thank you God.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Re-packing
About a month or two or three before I left for France, I started packing. Before that even I had lists everywhere, and piles of stuff to go. I would pack things up in a crazy rush of panic, only to realize that I actually needed my hairbrush for the next few weeks and unpack once again.
Now here I sit, ten days before heading to Madagascar, and the thought of repacking all my stuff is a thought I dread.
Some stuff never made it out of my bags. I haven't really needed my sunscreen or my mosquito net here in France.
Some stuff will not be leaving France with me. I don't imagine I will need my snow boots too much in Madagascar.
But I have acquired some things too. I have an amazing poster from Madagascar that Marc and Stacy gave me for Christmas for my wall in my house in Betroky. Sitting next to me on the shelf is a picture frame made by some kids I adore with a picture of their beautiful faces inside. Some books, an egg timer, a measuring cup... all waiting to be packed in my suitcases. Though not everything is packed and organized, everything is pretty much ready to go. The stuff that never made it out of my suitcases is ready and waiting, some things I never intended to bring on have already been given away.
Yet, there is something that is not even close to being ready to go.
My heart.
Much like before I left for France I am excited to go, but hating to leave. My heart wants to stay here, with this family whole I love. It wants to stay and keep making friends, because it feels like after all this time I am JUST starting to make friends here.
I can't pack my heart in a suitcase and drag it behind me.
I can't leave it here while I go on.
There is really only one thing I can do, and I have to do it daily. Sometimes hourly. I must surrender it to the only One who is coming with me, and ask Him to carry it for me. To bring it along. To place it in the place He has intended since the beginning of time and let it grow there until He wants it to be moved again.
I will re-pack my suitcases, I will leave things behind, but I will trust God with my heart. He knows what He wants to do with it for the time being, and even though it hurts to leave, it will be worse to be outside the will of God.
Wherever I am, I want to be all there. For the next 10 days my heart is here, and then, hard as it will be, my heart will move to the next spot God wants it to be.
Lord, Let my heart be molded by You, and rooted in Your will alone.
Now here I sit, ten days before heading to Madagascar, and the thought of repacking all my stuff is a thought I dread.
Some stuff never made it out of my bags. I haven't really needed my sunscreen or my mosquito net here in France.
Some stuff will not be leaving France with me. I don't imagine I will need my snow boots too much in Madagascar.
But I have acquired some things too. I have an amazing poster from Madagascar that Marc and Stacy gave me for Christmas for my wall in my house in Betroky. Sitting next to me on the shelf is a picture frame made by some kids I adore with a picture of their beautiful faces inside. Some books, an egg timer, a measuring cup... all waiting to be packed in my suitcases. Though not everything is packed and organized, everything is pretty much ready to go. The stuff that never made it out of my suitcases is ready and waiting, some things I never intended to bring on have already been given away.
Yet, there is something that is not even close to being ready to go.
My heart.
Much like before I left for France I am excited to go, but hating to leave. My heart wants to stay here, with this family whole I love. It wants to stay and keep making friends, because it feels like after all this time I am JUST starting to make friends here.
I can't pack my heart in a suitcase and drag it behind me.
I can't leave it here while I go on.
There is really only one thing I can do, and I have to do it daily. Sometimes hourly. I must surrender it to the only One who is coming with me, and ask Him to carry it for me. To bring it along. To place it in the place He has intended since the beginning of time and let it grow there until He wants it to be moved again.
I will re-pack my suitcases, I will leave things behind, but I will trust God with my heart. He knows what He wants to do with it for the time being, and even though it hurts to leave, it will be worse to be outside the will of God.
Wherever I am, I want to be all there. For the next 10 days my heart is here, and then, hard as it will be, my heart will move to the next spot God wants it to be.
Lord, Let my heart be molded by You, and rooted in Your will alone.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Truth is...
I have heard from several people that they appreciate how "real" I am in my blog posts. Thanks for that everyone. You are too kind. Heads up, we are about to get really real up in this place.
I like to be real, but I also like my "realness", my struggles, to be wrapped up in a neat little package with a happy ending where I have learned a lesson from God and I can move on.
Sometimes we are in the middle of lessons, and we can't just shut ourselves off, paste a smile on our face and pretend that we aren't struggling. We can't just pretend until the lesson is learned and then magically reveal how God has worked in our lives, while people are sitting there saying "Wow, I didn't even know she was struggling with that."
So. Here I sit, revealing to you the not so pretty truth.
Truth is... I hate not knowing stuff and not being good at stuff. I have zero skills that will make me of any use in Madagascar. Today I asked if you stick the chicken in a pot of boiling water, or hit it over the head with a frying pan to stun if before you cut it's head off. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... I like to know how things are going to work. I like to be prepared. No matter how many questions I ask, I am not prepared and I have no idea how things are going to work out. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... Feeling isn't truth. It may be true that I am feeling freaked out, feeling scared, feeling nervous. But my feelings are not facts.
That's a really tough truth, and the truth is I am having trouble swallowing it right now. There is no pretty way to wrap this up. There are no bows or ribbons.
Lord, Help me trust in your truths, believe in your promises, and obey your commands.
Truth is... I have been struggling to write a blog post for the last few days because nothing I want to write at the moment is pretty. It's too "real" for me to share.
I like to be real, but I also like my "realness", my struggles, to be wrapped up in a neat little package with a happy ending where I have learned a lesson from God and I can move on.
Truth is... life isn't always like that.
Sometimes we are in the middle of lessons, and we can't just shut ourselves off, paste a smile on our face and pretend that we aren't struggling. We can't just pretend until the lesson is learned and then magically reveal how God has worked in our lives, while people are sitting there saying "Wow, I didn't even know she was struggling with that."
So. Here I sit, revealing to you the not so pretty truth.
Truth is... I hate transition. I am leaving for Madagascar in less than 3 weeks. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... I hate not knowing stuff and not being good at stuff. I have zero skills that will make me of any use in Madagascar. Today I asked if you stick the chicken in a pot of boiling water, or hit it over the head with a frying pan to stun if before you cut it's head off. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... I pretty much failed at making rice last night. And that is what I am going to eat everyday, for almost every meal in Madagascar. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... I like to know how things are going to work. I like to be prepared. No matter how many questions I ask, I am not prepared and I have no idea how things are going to work out. And I am feeling a bit freaked out.
Truth is... I know God will take care of me, He always has. But I am still feeling scared, and a bit freaked out.
Truth is... Feeling isn't truth. It may be true that I am feeling freaked out, feeling scared, feeling nervous. But my feelings are not facts.
Truth is... God expects me to obey even when I am feeling like my feelings are speaking louder than His truths.
That's a really tough truth, and the truth is I am having trouble swallowing it right now. There is no pretty way to wrap this up. There are no bows or ribbons.
Lord, Help me trust in your truths, believe in your promises, and obey your commands.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Purpose
One day, maybe next year, I would really love to go to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, GA but for now I will be content to watch the sessions online. Or at least Session 7 since that is all I had time for before they were taken off the internet.
This is a quote from John Piper at the Passion 2013 Conference.
"Our worship is the subjective echo of God's objective worth. The immensity of His worth is reflected in the intensity of your worship. We were made for the admiration of the excellence of Jesus and the greater your admiration the greater the revelation of Christ's glorification...
Admiration is the rarest and highest of pleasures. God made the world and fashioned the human soul so that Jesus would be glorified and we would be satisfied in the very same act of the soul. Namely; glad hearted admiration of Jesus. We are satisfied in the intensity of our enjoyment of Him and He is magnified and glorified in our being satisfied in Him. That's the way God made the universe. That is why admiration is so rare and why it is the greatest pleasure... The universe exists for the glorification of Jesus in the admiration of His people."
It took me a solid 20 minutes of rewinding the video to get this typed out, but it was worth it.
What a great reminder that my sole purpose is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. There is no greater purpose, there is no greater pleasure.
This is a quote from John Piper at the Passion 2013 Conference.
"Our worship is the subjective echo of God's objective worth. The immensity of His worth is reflected in the intensity of your worship. We were made for the admiration of the excellence of Jesus and the greater your admiration the greater the revelation of Christ's glorification...
Admiration is the rarest and highest of pleasures. God made the world and fashioned the human soul so that Jesus would be glorified and we would be satisfied in the very same act of the soul. Namely; glad hearted admiration of Jesus. We are satisfied in the intensity of our enjoyment of Him and He is magnified and glorified in our being satisfied in Him. That's the way God made the universe. That is why admiration is so rare and why it is the greatest pleasure... The universe exists for the glorification of Jesus in the admiration of His people."
It took me a solid 20 minutes of rewinding the video to get this typed out, but it was worth it.
What a great reminder that my sole purpose is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. There is no greater purpose, there is no greater pleasure.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Light
I love lights at night. I love walking under the stars, and seeing the lights of a city, ESPECIALLY at Christmas time. I mean I love Christmas time already but walking places and seeing things all lit up in the dark night just gets me so excited.
Last night we went walking in Annecy at night, and it was beautiful. I loved walking through the streets and just taking in all the beautiful sights. Everything looks so different at night. So wonderful. I could hardly contain myself. We went up to this church that sits high on a hill overlooking the city and the lake and I am fairly certain I have never seen something so incredibly beautiful in my life. Picture's won't do it justice, but hopefully it will give you a glimpse.
Everything looks so much brighter at night. I don't think you can fully appreciate the brilliance of light until it is surrounded by darkness.
God calls us to be lights in this dark world. It is easy to be "lit up" for Christ when we are surrounded by other bright things, other Christians. But God calls us to be lights in the darkness, which is not as easy. It takes a lot more energy. There in the darkness, His brilliance, His majesty and splendor shines through us and we become like that church high on a hill shining brilliantly, piercing the darkness and pointing heavenward to Christ.
Lord, use me to display your brilliant light in this dark world! Let me be a beacon that points only to you!
Last night we went walking in Annecy at night, and it was beautiful. I loved walking through the streets and just taking in all the beautiful sights. Everything looks so different at night. So wonderful. I could hardly contain myself. We went up to this church that sits high on a hill overlooking the city and the lake and I am fairly certain I have never seen something so incredibly beautiful in my life. Picture's won't do it justice, but hopefully it will give you a glimpse.
Everything looks so much brighter at night. I don't think you can fully appreciate the brilliance of light until it is surrounded by darkness.
God calls us to be lights in this dark world. It is easy to be "lit up" for Christ when we are surrounded by other bright things, other Christians. But God calls us to be lights in the darkness, which is not as easy. It takes a lot more energy. There in the darkness, His brilliance, His majesty and splendor shines through us and we become like that church high on a hill shining brilliantly, piercing the darkness and pointing heavenward to Christ.
Lord, use me to display your brilliant light in this dark world! Let me be a beacon that points only to you!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
It Is Well
This morning, I awoke with these lyrics in my head.
I can only imagine it was God giving me an extra measure of grace as I got out of bed, because I surely did not want to get up this morning.
I often find myself saying, "God I know your timing is perfect, but couldn't you hurry back?" It's good to know I am not the only one anxiously waiting Christ's return. Won't it be a wonderful day when Christ returns, our understanding is complete and we are caught up together with Him? Lord haste the day!
But I am here today. God has given me another day on earth do to his work. Whether I have one more day to do His will or a thousand tomorrows, even so, it is well with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
I can only imagine it was God giving me an extra measure of grace as I got out of bed, because I surely did not want to get up this morning.
I often find myself saying, "God I know your timing is perfect, but couldn't you hurry back?" It's good to know I am not the only one anxiously waiting Christ's return. Won't it be a wonderful day when Christ returns, our understanding is complete and we are caught up together with Him? Lord haste the day!
But I am here today. God has given me another day on earth do to his work. Whether I have one more day to do His will or a thousand tomorrows, even so, it is well with my soul.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Looking back, Looking forward...
It's weird to think that a year ago I wasn't even sure I would be going anywhere and now as I write this I am sitting in France looking at the calendar and realizing I will be flying to Madagascar in like, 30 days.
I feel like this last year of my life was all about faith. It was about stepping out and trusting God with every aspect of my life and my future. I still don't have that all together, and I don't think I ever truly will. This year however I think the focus has shifted, or maybe it's just that the area God is working in has changed.
I think this year is more about obedience than faith. I guess the two go hand in hand really. I obey God and I have faith that He has a plan.But in this case I mean obedience without question.
It means saying, "Yes God, I will follow you to the ends of the earth without needing to know the plan or the details or how everything is going to work out. I will follow wherever you lead."
That's hard for me. I like details. I know God has a plan, I know he will take care of me because He promises that, and He has never broken a promise. I have faith in His character. But I still like to know the plan.
Today I was reading Luke 9 and I wrote some things in my journal that I wanted to share with you. I hope you are challenged like I was on this New Years Day. Whether I have the whole year to follow God, or just a few days, I pray that I will be obedient and follow Christ no matter the cost.
The Cost of Following Christ
A really smart girl gave me some awesome advice before I left.
Be Obedient, Be Beautiful.
Physical beauty is fading and superficial, but the kind of beauty that comes from obedience and surrender to Christ... that is the real thing. There is no beauty that compares to the radiance of Christ shining through those who choose to follow and obey Him.
I will obey, at all costs.
I feel like this last year of my life was all about faith. It was about stepping out and trusting God with every aspect of my life and my future. I still don't have that all together, and I don't think I ever truly will. This year however I think the focus has shifted, or maybe it's just that the area God is working in has changed.
I think this year is more about obedience than faith. I guess the two go hand in hand really. I obey God and I have faith that He has a plan.But in this case I mean obedience without question.
It means saying, "Yes God, I will follow you to the ends of the earth without needing to know the plan or the details or how everything is going to work out. I will follow wherever you lead."
That's hard for me. I like details. I know God has a plan, I know he will take care of me because He promises that, and He has never broken a promise. I have faith in His character. But I still like to know the plan.
Today I was reading Luke 9 and I wrote some things in my journal that I wanted to share with you. I hope you are challenged like I was on this New Years Day. Whether I have the whole year to follow God, or just a few days, I pray that I will be obedient and follow Christ no matter the cost.
The Cost of Following Christ
- I must die to myself daily. (Luke 9:23)
- My wants are insignificant, my desires are unimportant. I will die to myself and live to serve God and others.
- I must obey immediately. (Luke 9:59)
- There is nothing in my life that should make me pause before obeying Christ. Nothing should mean more to me, not my family, not my obligations, not my plans.
- I must not look back. (Luke 9:61-62)
- I cannot worry about what I left behind, only trust Christ with my life, with my family and with my friends.
A really smart girl gave me some awesome advice before I left.
Be Obedient, Be Beautiful.
Physical beauty is fading and superficial, but the kind of beauty that comes from obedience and surrender to Christ... that is the real thing. There is no beauty that compares to the radiance of Christ shining through those who choose to follow and obey Him.
I will obey, at all costs.
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